Recovering from depression is hard.
You want to get better, but you also want to lay in bed all day and feel sorry for yourself.
You want to go out, and sometimes you do, but you know there will be no joy in whatever you do, so most times you lay on the couch and watch Netflix all day.
You can force yourself out of bed and to shower on days you work only. All off days this is a struggle for you.
You’re trying to get better, but instead you are getting worse. The crying spells have increased in frequency and have gone from the comfort of your own bedroom to the rest room at work. You start carrying make up with you to cover up your red face. You don’t want your co-workers to find out.
You finally see your GP for the monthly medication check-up. You’re doing poorly, your not sure if it’s because you have only been taking one of your two medications because of financial strain, or if the medication is just not a good fit for you.
Your doctor stares at you, and asks you what is going on, you are embarrassed, but you tell him the truth about your medication situation. He doesn’t have samples to give you so he just listens and talks with you.
You tell him it’ll just be another week until you can afford them, he doesn’t like this, but there isn’t much he can do. He advises that you really need to get back on them. You know he thinks you need to ask someone in your life for financial help, but you don’t want to.
You are so low, you have to fight back tears during the conversation. He asks some intense questions and you answer honestly.
“Are you still having suicidal thoughts?”
“Do you have a plan?”
“Do you have a safety plan?”
“No, but I imagine, I would go to the hospital”
“Yes, you would go to the emergency room”
He asks if you want to go on sickness EI. This surprises you, you didn’t realize you had fallen so far down the rabbit hole that this was even an option.
You decline. If you didn’t have work to go to you fear you would only get worse. You like having somewhere to go 5 days a week, a reason to shower and put on make up. You can not take the risk.
He thinks you need to tell your boss about your current state of being, you tell him you need to think about it. You don’t want to jeopardize your career.
He is relieved to hear that you have been actively continuing to see your psychologist and that you have a scheduled meeting with them in less than two weeks. Still, because you look so god damn terrible he asks if you would like to come back in a weeks time to see him.
He disguises the question as if it’s your decision, but you know that he wants to keep an eye on you, and that he thinks you need to come back that soon.
You say yes. You don’t want to, but you do, because you want to get better. And it’s become clear to you that in the state you are in now, you can not help yourself. You need professional help to get you back to a place where you can help yourself.
As you leave you feel both relief and guilt that your doctor cares about and wants to help you.
You’re not sure if you deserve the help. But you’ve learned through this awful journey through depression that you need to be selfish. You need to ask for help even if you don’t think you deserve it. You need to allow people to love you even if you don’t feel you deserve it. You need to be selfish, for your own good.