It seems surreal now, to think back to how poorly I was doing a few months ago. Almost as if I dreamed it.
The crying spells, suicidal ideation, not sleeping, not eating, isolation. None of which is me today (okay… maybe I’m still working on that isolation thing).
I wrote a fair few poems nearing the end of that stage in my mental health, which I wanted to share with you today. These are not meant to romanticize depression and simply deal with my intense-as-shit feelings at the time.
Here we go:
CREATE – She lays, eyes closed, in the dark room/basking in the glow of the nights moon/wondering when her pain will dissipate/so that she can start to create/the art that’s always been hidden away/in her minds dull hallway.
MYSTIFIED – Mystified/she needs to be advised/how to be alive/how to act civilized/and not crucify herself/for the thoughts of suicide/she feels paralyzed/please help her realize/how to feel alive
SIGN – It haunts, it lurks, it tortures/I’m living a life of horrors/I need a sign/to show me I am fine/to speak words that encourage/words that will nourish/ my life, my soul, my body.
INNER DIALOGUE – Eat your words/don’t let them be heard/be obedient, stay silent/as if you’re alone on an island/ lock your lips/ weigh them down with bricks/ throw the key away/ you must behave/ hide the truth at all costs/ do not break their hearts.
DEPRESSION – The looming darkness/that accompanies depression/ is nothing but artless expression/ the constant silence only deafens/ my smile lies/ my laughter lies/ it’s all lies/ I am a liar/ pretending to be something I’m not/ I wish I would get caught/ pull me out of this dimension/I cannot deal with this depression.
BUTTERFLY – Don’t cry/my little butterfly/lay your head upon my chest/ breathe to the beat of my rising breast/ wipe those tears/don’t let your fears/limit your potential/your are the most special/little girl in this world/so come on and unfurl/shoot me a smile/and remember today was just a trial/please don’t cry/my precious butterfly.
**The last poem BUTTERFLY is a letter to my inner child, comforting her, and is the only poem that I cried during the writing of it. It is the last poem I wrote in my book, and I started to feel better within 2-3 days after writing that poem – mostly thanks to my medications finally taking action. I have not written anything since, but hope I will be able to soon.**